Today I've decided to give the people what they want: search results. Listed below are items that people have tried to find on this blog recently but failed. Some of them make me feel guilty: I should have a carbonara recipe on here by now, damn it! Some of them are nobody's business. And some are just strange and random. Hopefully this post will answer some of your nagging questions about me.
1. Tampax. Somebody keeps searching--many, many times!--for information about Tampax on this blog. I have no idea why. To the best of my knowledge, I have never mentioned tampons at all on Alizarine...wait. One time Jeff and I did blogs about packing for a trip to Italy, and I complained about sacrificing valuable carry-on real estate for a week's-worth of tampons. What a pain in the ass, am I right, ladies? But I'm not some kind of spokeswoman for Tampax. If you want to know about Tampax, please go here.
EDIT: One of my friends has suggested that the post this Tampax person is looking for is I Was Girl X, where I discussed sex education and periods. I don't think I mentioned Tampax, though. It was now-extinct Modess pads.
2. Panda Cupcakes. People come here 30 times a week to read about panda cupcakes, which we made a year and a half ago. I assume they find my recipe and go away happy and/or disturbed, so this is not a failed-search item. I included it here because it's my #1 traffic source from search engines, and it blows my mind that people care so much about making panda cupcakes.
3. Expectation. I don't know what this search means. Expectation about what? If you are the one who keeps typing "expectation" in my search box over there -->, please leave a comment and tell me what you want! In the meantime, please enjoy this Gustave Klimt painting called The Tree of Life. The very cool triangle woman on the left is called Expectation, so hopefully this will help you in your search.
4. Carbonara. I made it for lunch a couple of months ago following this recipe from Giada di Laurentiis, except I substituted chorizo for the usual bacon/pancetta (was desperate). It was pretty good but not blog-worthy. I do want to make a proper spaghetti carbonara for Jeff in the future, though, in order to re-create the classic scene from the movie Heartburn where Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep eat spaghetti carbonara in bed (at around :44 below).
5. Wife. Um, yeah, I'm a wife now.
6. What color are Bono's eyes? Blue. With tiny light blue flavor crystals.
And now, here's the one you've all been waiting for, if my search box is to be believed...
7. Infertile. Months ago, one of you searched for this. When you type something in my search box, the searched-for word becomes a semi-permanent part of the list of other words people typed in. The more a word is searched for, the larger it appears in relation to the other words. For example, "cake" is my most popular search right now, so it's a lot bigger than the rest of the words. Here's what I think happened with "infertile." It's a juicy, juicy word, isn't it, even juicier than "cake." Other readers saw "infertile" with the rest of the searched-for words, clicked on it, and made it bigger each time. That caused more people to notice it, and they clicked on it some more. It got to the point where over on the right side of my blog you'd see my face, a few links to recent posts, and followed by a huge, screaming
INFERTILE.
Which is depressing! I'm a lot of things, but is "infertile" really chief among them, you guys? I hope not! I was so annoyed by looking at this giant word every day that I blocked "infertile" from appearing in my list of popular searches. You could still search for it, but it wouldn't appear on the list anymore. But every week without fail since then, at least one of you searches for "infertile" and its good buddy "infertility." And the reason you couldn't find any stories about it was because I didn't want to write about it.
But your whining has been heard. HERE'S THE STORY.
[deep breath]
Almost 20 years ago, Jeff had a vasectomy. Amy, his first wife, had health complications following the birth of their daughter Melissa, and in order to protect Amy from a potentially dangerous second pregnancy, Jeff had a vasectomy. They divorced when Melissa was in her early teens, Jeff married Nicole (who had three children of her own), she sadly died from cancer, and eventually Jeff married me.
I was almost 39 when I met Jeff, and I wanted to have a baby. Tick tock tick tock, went my uterus. After our wonderful first date, I was floating on air and beginning to imagine our bookish, brown-eyed, lushy-eyebrowed future child. Twenty-four hours later, Jeff called me and told me the vasectomy news, which he said was difficult for him to deliver, but he was serious about me and wanted me to know before things went any further. I thanked him for telling me something that would've been a dealbreaker to so many women my age.
After I hung up the phone, I cried on the couch for about an hour. I called two ex-boyfriends, and they calmed me down, especially Jeff's predecessor (and unlikely Jeff enthusiast) James. He said this about a woman he knew in a similar situation: "She just went ahead and had a genius baby." That is, she browsed through anonymous genius sperm donors, picked one, and nine months later: genius baby. That became a sort of Plan B mantra for me over the following months: "I can always have a genius baby." It would be just that easy.
IF Jeff and I were even going to work out, that is! I had about a week (the days surrounding Christmas) to think about how I felt before our second date. I kept coming back to the fact that we seemed to click in a way that felt absolutely right to me. I had spent years searching for this man. Even then, I knew he was The One.
We quickly fell in love. We quickly got engaged. We quickly got married. Marrying Jeff was the best decision I have ever made. It wasn't even much of a decision. It was utterly obvious, even with the vasectomy problem. Every once in a while during the first year that I knew Jeff, I would mourn the fact that I couldn't have his child. As our love grew, I decided that I didn't want to have a random genius child. I wanted Jeff's child, no exceptions. I dug deep and also realized that I didn't want to adopt, either. Right or wrong (and I know several adoptive mothers who disapprove of my decision, so join the club), I wanted Jeff's baby or no baby. I chose my husband over a child, basically after one date, and I have no regrets.
Sometimes I find myself reminising about The Woman I Could Have Been (watch this later; it's awesome).
That woman would not have been able to quit her job and devote all of her time to painting. That woman would not paint at all--at least not the kinds of pictures I feel the need to produce. That woman would spend her newlywed years stressing out over hormone injections, sitting in hospital waiting rooms, and obsessing over a theoretical being who is not Jeff. That woman's body would never be the same and her life would be turned upside down for good, and so would the life of the man she loves.
I didn't want to be that woman.
Also, what about the very real possibility that our dream baby might turn out to be an asshole? Or even worse, two assholes?
I love our life. Honestly, when we walk hand-in-hand beside the baseball diamond a block away, all I can think is, "I am so glad I don't have to sit with these parents watching those kids play ball." I love how quiet our house is. I love being able to read anytime I please. I love cooking whatever Jeff and I want and not having to cater to somebody's oddball allergy or childish preference. I love going to the movies and traveling with Jeff. I love painting all day and not having to teach everybody else's children how to do it anymore. If loving these things makes me a bad, selfish person, I guess I'm a bad, selfish person. But I am also a blissfully happy, bad, selfish person. And it's my choice.
So there's your information about infertility.
8. "my cookies crust is burnt but not baked entirely." [sic] Maybe you should turn your oven down to something more like 350 when you bake them next time.
What happened with James? Why did it end? I love your life Kelly. You deserve it!
Posted by: Tobin | June 21, 2011 at 09:11 PM
We met online. He was in TN, I was in IL. When we finally met in person in KY, it seemed like we were better as friends.
Posted by: Kelly | June 21, 2011 at 09:13 PM
1- that photo of the child outside the burning house is truly disturbing. how did you even find it?
2- I almost always read your blog in my feed reader, so I don't recall seeing the popular search section on the side there.
2a- those popular search words, in the order seen above, are strangely rhythmic and I feel they would not be out of place at a poetry slam.
Thank you for this post.
Posted by: shannon | June 21, 2011 at 10:40 PM
Hey Shannon, I did a google image search for "evil children.: I was hoping to find a bunch of awful bratty kids screaming or something to illustrate the fact that maybe it's OK to be childfree, and she popped up. This image, which was an unposed news shot, was all over the internet about a year ago(?).
Posted by: Kelly | June 22, 2011 at 07:30 AM
Ahhh...Bono's eyes. :) Will you get to see them (them = U2, not necessarily Bono's eyes) again in Chicago in a couple of weeks?
My husband and I are in the throes of making decisions in our newly-discovered context of infertility, and it just sucks. It is an infinitely personal journey, and there is in no way a "one size fits all" solution. So props to you and Jeff for finding and embracing the route that is best for you!
Posted by: Libby | June 22, 2011 at 11:59 AM
when I clicked on the recipe for carbonara from Giada....I got a Tampax page!
Posted by: Colleen | June 22, 2011 at 04:18 PM
Sorry about that! Fixed now.
Posted by: Kelly | June 22, 2011 at 04:30 PM
As a mom, I can tell you you're decision wasn't selfish or bad. You're completely right. Kids take your life away from you, at least until they are 18 and even then you're so invested in them that time you can't stop obsessing. I wouldn't change the fact that I have children, but I envisioned my life being a lot different than it is right now. When I read Alizarine I catch myself jealous of the unstereotypical "fairytale" life you've made!
Posted by: Meghan C | June 22, 2011 at 06:07 PM
Hi Kelly! I read your blog all the time since I stumbled upon it through your sister Emily's YouTube videos. I just wanted to say that took a lot of strength to put your decision out there on the internet for all to see. Your life with Jeff seems absolutely wonderful and I wish nothing but the best for you. (P.S. I am in LOVE with your artwork and if I wasnt a poor graduate student I would pay you to paint a portrait for me in a heartbeat!)
Posted by: Monique | June 22, 2011 at 09:27 PM
I just love you...That is all :)
Posted by: Anastasia | June 23, 2011 at 01:41 AM
Oh, yeah...Forgot to say that I am even more in love with your work!! You're an AMAZING artist and you're right, if you had children, your painting time would have been DRAMATICALLY reduced or perhaps even zapped! No one can tell YOU what decision is right for YOU, but from the outside looking in it sure appears to have been the right one to me!
And one day, I WILL win the lottery and be able to commission you to do something for my art wall -- or even purchase one of your already done works. I find your painting style AMAZING and I've not seen one thing that you've done that I would not own (including the paintings you've done of Jeff! Love your work so much that I'd even hang a stranger on my wall!!)
Ok, I've embarrassed myself enough now. Thanks for reading :)
Posted by: Anastasia | June 23, 2011 at 01:46 AM
Thanks to all of you for reading and commenting. This was something I've been thinking about writing for months (with Jeff's blessing, as it also involves him). I thought about doing a post strictly on "infertile," but I wanted to make it a bit more entertaining for my readers.
I wanted to add that when my sister Emily/Poof learned about this a few years ago, she immediately said to Mom, "I want you to share me." She's the closest thing to a daughter that I will ever have, and I love her more than I can say.
Posted by: Kelly | June 27, 2011 at 04:33 PM
Hi there. Found (and LOVE) your blog because I'm a fan of your sisters. I'll make this short and sweet. 31yrs old,together 13yrs(married 10).No kids and no plans to have any (multiple reasons, some medical). My husband has a HUGE family one brother has 5kids, a total a 13 nieces and nephews on his side. Needless to say he did want kids but over the years has definately seen the benefits of not having them, loves me more than life, and has realized children do not make life worth living! My sister is 34 and also has no children and no plans of any...my Mother has made it clear she is disappointed at the prospect of never being a grandparent but she hasnt mentioned it lately so I think she's comming to terms with it finally. We do get alot questions from friends, family, and the occasional complete stranger as to why which I find invasive and simple minded...feel like asking them in return why their marriage is falling apart, why their kids are in trouble, why they don't have a better job or at least hobby they enjoy..anyway, thanks for sharing your story:)we have 4dogs,1 inside cat, and a litter of outside barn cats (all well taken care of)and our life could not be more fulfilling!!I do believe in God and absolutely know for certain that He did not create all people for the sole purpose of reproducing.
Posted by: Heather | July 06, 2011 at 12:30 AM
Thank you for your comment, Heather, and congratulations on your happy marriage.
My parents support us in this, and they know how special Jeff is. They adore him and can see how happy he makes me. I didn't tell them about our inability to have a baby until after they fell in love with him, too. While I didn't like having to evade their inevitable questions about us starting a family, I wanted them to see how great we were together before writing him off.
Dad says I speak for "a silent minority" with this blog. I know I would have been a good mother, but now I can be a lot of other things.
Posted by: Kelly | July 06, 2011 at 07:23 AM
Dear Kelly:
You rock.
That is all.
Kate
Posted by: kate | July 07, 2011 at 01:05 AM
Thank you kindly, ma'am. :)
Posted by: Kelly | July 08, 2011 at 06:18 AM
Hi Kelly,
I've not followed your blog in a long while. A doctoral program will do that to you. But I checked in last week and have been catching up.
You are an incredible, beautiful, talented woman who is living her own dream life (not someone else's ideals). You are an example to all women who follow you, especially the young ones.
Blessings,
BJ
Posted by: BJ | November 28, 2011 at 01:29 PM
This is my favorite blog post of yours ever. Some people are just nosy and stupid. And if the couldn't figure out how to turn down an oven to keep their cookies from burning, I'm not sure they should be going near an oven....
Posted by: alliejaye | December 31, 2011 at 06:04 PM