Those motherscratchers better fall ass-over-tea-kettle in love with this damn autumn spice rustic-cut fruit salad. -- Melinda, in one of her reliably fantastic status updates on Facebook.
My comment: Melinda, if you would send me the recipe, I'd make it, blog it, and title the entry Melinda's Damn Autumn Spice Rustic-Cut Fruit Salad. I could also tack on For Motherscratchers if you so desire.
Moments later she messaged me with the recipe, and a short, foulmouthed volley began. Note: PG-13 language ahead, yay!
Melinda: This recipe was created by "MISTRESSFATE", but I made it my own by not just toasting the slivered almonds, but toasting those bitches to perfection. I would also recommend upping the goddamn banana content.
Me: How absolutely goddamned delightful! Thank you!
Melinda: You're welcome! Shit!
All right, so I think this salad is good. It's good enough for those motherscratchers, anyway. I happily ate a big bowl of it for supper. But Jeff took a couple of bites and he was--I hate to say this, Mels--disgusted. He put his sample-sized bowl down, did a little turn so I couldn't see his expression, and drank Coke to rinse out his mouth. I pressured him into admitting what he thought it tasted like, but as I began writing this he asked me not to include his description in my post. It was gross, though, and it made zero sense to me. But you'll dig this, Melinda: his main complaint was the bananas. Direct quote: "I don't like bananas in wet things."
Now, we're talking about a man who can't eat raw tomatoes because their texture reminds him of "what it would feel like to eat a baby's heart." He is blasé about muffins. He will actively seek out a food truck in Florence, Italy that specializes in revolting sandwiches made from a cow's fourth and final stomach. Grain of salt, people!
"MISTRESSFATE"'s recipe made ten servings, so I'm glad I cut it in half because I'm the only one here who likes this. Commenters on the recipe said it doesn't keep well either, so I've got some heavy duty fruit-eatin' ahead of me.
Still with me? Feel like terrifying your wet-banana-fearing husband? My halved and slightly tweaked version of this recipe follows.
- 1 red delicious (or other red) apple
- 1 Granny Smith apple
- 2 bananas
- 1 pear
- 1 cup red or green grapes
- 1 cup vanilla yogurt
- 1/2 tablespoon cinnamon
- 1/4 teaspoon ginger
- 1/2 teaspoon allspice
- 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
- single serving packet of apple cider mix
- 1/4 cup almonds, slivered and toasted <--I just chopped some pre-roasted almonds. Nuts are getting so expensive, wouldn't you agree?
Cut apples and pears into rough chunks. Slice the bananas, and cut grapes in half. Combine the fruits in a salad bowl.
Mix yogurt with spices and cider, and pour over fruits. Mix until salad is evenly coated, and top with almonds.
Serves 5 motherscratchers.
PS vote for me! I wan--I NEED TO WIN! Thanks!